Fuck

fuck abstinence.

the whole thing came to an end when i "forgot" i was fasting on alcohol last night when someone offered a pint of pale ale and i automatically took it and drank. it was an "honest" mistake, so i took the liberty keeping the alcohol going!

BUZZ.

fuck winter.

the cold weather can be so unforgiving. i cant stop eating and it's making me fat, fatter. already there's a plan to go to a gay club this weekend since the girls are having their hens night and i went, "i aint going to no gay club with this lovely gut lump!". yarabi, this is gemuk tahap dewa! cannot! so, a stoomfest is coming really soon!

BUZZ.

fuck winter. again.

the change of season is making me sick, or so says the seasonal theory. im down with cold and flu and its not fun. my choice of remedy - hot tea, vitamin c and aspirins! heard you need prescription to buy dimitap over the counter. sucks. those dimitap motherfuckers work wonders for a cure and it gives a narc*coughs*otic like buzzing effect.

BUZZ.

Abstinence

i've decided to give alcohol a rest atleast for 2 weeks until izzy's bucks night. i'm "fasting" rather. the whole denying of self, to sacrifice something which is truly loved and gratifyingly pleasurable for the one thing that really matters - "the big picture".

2 weeks may seem a short period of time, but for someone who practically live on the buzzing effect, baby steps is a huge measure. an alcoholic won't say he is, so i'm not.

i need a huge gulp of vodka right now.

this is not a fun factor to see how long i can survive the abstinence but a practice of a belief. i had to have this written as a solemn promise to myself.

p.s. this starts at 6 sunday morning cause i'm binge drinking tonight.

Buzz

in around 1 month's time ...

i'll be on a plane to KL;

i'll be eating aunt noria's to die for kelabit delicacies;

i'll be binge eating at mamak stalls and chinese restaurants;

i'll be partying in KL's famous night life;

i'll be seeing missed family and friends;

i'll be shopping in actual shopping malls (adelaide lack them!);

i'll be attending my friends' wedding;

and mark's coming with!

p.s. i've been drinking the leftover vodka from last night's binging. im buzzing.

Retards

oh lord! i'm so glad mark dragged my sorry arse out last night. its an unspoken thing - no mark, no josh, but i'm grateful too for those who persistently called to ask me out. you guys annoy the shit out of me, but i love you still. so, no disgusting vomit elevating through my esophagus, so i guess its just verbal vomits.

i am so off my face at the moment and it's amusing - its a rare quality i know, having to know how to amuse myself by the things that i do. juice me now, all you get is alcohol baby! if i'm a "thing" i'll be a bottle of bacardi 151. i wish i'm just a little bit more intoxicated but i dont think mark loved the idea being physically abused by a "fag". apparently not healthy for a man's ego.

despite the fact that i won't be getting my dose of shag, i'm surprisingly happy. it's a good day. i got my money! i got my dose of alcohol! i got chicks who want me! i got ben (not really)! i got my dose of mates' innate bitchiness and uninhibitedness. i got random strangers wanting pictures taken with me (ergh huh?)! so much strange loving. me likey ...

i shall not be sorry for my bag of goodies anymore. they may not be biggies, but they're goooooooood! trick or treats!

mark made me realized that knowing and wanting what i like in a person is not at all bad. infact, its sensible.

if relationship itself is about experiences and growing with each other then there's absolutely no harm in recognizing what i have to offer and what i want in a person. i don't think it's a selfish act of fussiness, its just a humble nobility i can offer myself. there's still one other thing i just don't get - if someone's securities can intimidate and insecurities poison relationships, then where is the line drawn?

by no means i'm trying to sound like i'm tooting my own horn but i know i have alot to offer and having to narrow my list of wants in a person into one word i'll say i want someone who is smart. not book smart necessarily, street smarts can be hot stuffs too.

the whole inner beauty thing is just what insecure people tell themselves everyday and i think its stupid. seriously, you're only ugly if none of the 6 billion people existing today don't think you're beautiful. tan sri lim kok wing is the most tangible definition of ugliness. his wife married him for the money. ironically however, physical looks can be so over-rated and it too is stupid. see, in my world of absurdity, im *coughs* good looking (so SOME people say lah!), but i'm a bitch. that's why im notched down a little bit.

love is stupid but very much needed.

i believe love does change a person. yeah, into morons.

lovers are retards, that's why they're special. i have an innate feeling for their kind.

i love you retards ... lovers.

Plateau

ebin is getting engage in july. ENGAGE. i'm awe-struck but i'm more than glad and happy for him, and i can't say i am at all surprised!

having to have shared almost all our lives together, the only reason i'm in a retarded state of mess is the fact that he's my age and already he's bagged another biggie after series of biggies and reality check - i only have a goodie bag. trick or treats aren't just fun anymore, they're pathetically childish.

im having the jitters cause i think i've reached my plateau.

i'm glad i said okay to mark dragging me out tonight. another trick or treats! i don't think my idea of staying in is going to help the already sorry me feeling all better. i do think however, alcohol will. alot of it.

verbal vomits incoming, or maybe just vomits.

Moronic

" Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur "
– even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time.

I finally come to a realization that the reason why any of my previous relationship never really worked may be because to every deeper level of love I appear to increase the level of intimidation accordingly. having to indulged in reminiscence, I have always been told so many times that im “too good to be true”. I say that with every essence of sarcasm, not at all bragging.

Me? Intimidating?

Honestly, if someone’s too good to be true for you, isn’t that a good thing? Wouldn’t you feel at least lucky to have someone (who’s beyond your wildest dreams) that loves and adores you back?

There have been absolutely stupid remarks said by past partners which i find ridiculously senseless ...

- My friends and I apparently are perceived “cool” or “popular” just because we speak “english” most of the time. Moronic!

- I come from a “wealthy” family and it appears that i only have friends that are too. Moronic!

- I’m “good looking” (which I find totally absurd!). apparently to have been blessed with such genes also makes me prone to cheat. Moronic!

- I’m smart (i am so glad that i am!). although, still Moronic!

and the list goes on. exactly, what the fuck!?

Maybe its true, that we can’t love and be wise at the same time. love made them morons. I am not blaming any of them personally, it just seemed unfair that I loved because I grew to have respected, trusted and accepted them for who they are and in return their love for me grew conditioned instead. I don’t think they realized that no matter how much they thought of me, I have always thought of them higher. not having the slightest idea that they're blessed with the things I lacked. My advantages became their insecurities, their disadvantages became an excuse to level me up and themselves down. suddenly someone who’s "too good to be true" increasingly became a taboo to relationships. human nature at its best - to want something where dreams are the closest reality then only to reject when life was breathed into it because you don't "deserve" such thing? love was and always is too good to be true. what part of love is ever not surreal?

Maybe it wasn't at all them, I may had my share of contribution to all those downfalls. I know 3 of them was entirely me. I think im cursed (i'm very sure it's not the work of karma) to love morons and to have the kind loving me. To have them making me feel the joy of contentment only to have them sickle my torso wide open in the end.

the thing that pisses me off are second chances, which I’m a huge sucker for. to go through the same process beginning to end with intense hope but to loose again to the same moronic thing that killed it the first time. there's a call from six and a half feet under. the risk of being emotionally suicidal being how the second time around its always my fault for allowing history to repeat itself.

thus said, i have never stopped loving those i've loved. I hold on to believe that the past happened in preparation for something ultimate that only time can unfold. I have come in peace with myself that my life is not a shame and if it appears intimidating then I have nothing but to feel sorry for the beautiful thing that could have happen.

I’m all for loving and being loved. I’m leaving the need to shop for love behind. Right now, I’m happy going mindlessly driveling over magazine pages, tv shows and the internet. Afterall, faith is mine as hope is to love

Fucking emo right?

Jealous

i'll be lying if i say im all happy for my friends when they have someone they can share their life with. i live with a slight jealousy for not having what they have.

honestly, have you ever seen me with someone ever since you know me?

for most of you that's a no. no, for ALL of you that's a no. i think for that reason, (sometimes) i feel like i am the temporary rebound guy when things doesn't work out for my friends, because they know (and i know) my only commited relationship all along is with them.

i feel like i'm a dump site for other people's emotional baggages.

i just wonder what it'd be like if i'm in a relationship. would things be different? would i be the last few people would turn to on a heartbreak dillema instead of first? would it make me feel different? would it make things better, for me?

i guess i will never know till it happens. but as for this moment, i'm happy for them and for me despite this stupid little struggle. i'm slightly jealous because i'm just human.