Moronic

" Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur "
– even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time.

I finally come to a realization that the reason why any of my previous relationship never really worked may be because to every deeper level of love I appear to increase the level of intimidation accordingly. having to indulged in reminiscence, I have always been told so many times that im “too good to be true”. I say that with every essence of sarcasm, not at all bragging.

Me? Intimidating?

Honestly, if someone’s too good to be true for you, isn’t that a good thing? Wouldn’t you feel at least lucky to have someone (who’s beyond your wildest dreams) that loves and adores you back?

There have been absolutely stupid remarks said by past partners which i find ridiculously senseless ...

- My friends and I apparently are perceived “cool” or “popular” just because we speak “english” most of the time. Moronic!

- I come from a “wealthy” family and it appears that i only have friends that are too. Moronic!

- I’m “good looking” (which I find totally absurd!). apparently to have been blessed with such genes also makes me prone to cheat. Moronic!

- I’m smart (i am so glad that i am!). although, still Moronic!

and the list goes on. exactly, what the fuck!?

Maybe its true, that we can’t love and be wise at the same time. love made them morons. I am not blaming any of them personally, it just seemed unfair that I loved because I grew to have respected, trusted and accepted them for who they are and in return their love for me grew conditioned instead. I don’t think they realized that no matter how much they thought of me, I have always thought of them higher. not having the slightest idea that they're blessed with the things I lacked. My advantages became their insecurities, their disadvantages became an excuse to level me up and themselves down. suddenly someone who’s "too good to be true" increasingly became a taboo to relationships. human nature at its best - to want something where dreams are the closest reality then only to reject when life was breathed into it because you don't "deserve" such thing? love was and always is too good to be true. what part of love is ever not surreal?

Maybe it wasn't at all them, I may had my share of contribution to all those downfalls. I know 3 of them was entirely me. I think im cursed (i'm very sure it's not the work of karma) to love morons and to have the kind loving me. To have them making me feel the joy of contentment only to have them sickle my torso wide open in the end.

the thing that pisses me off are second chances, which I’m a huge sucker for. to go through the same process beginning to end with intense hope but to loose again to the same moronic thing that killed it the first time. there's a call from six and a half feet under. the risk of being emotionally suicidal being how the second time around its always my fault for allowing history to repeat itself.

thus said, i have never stopped loving those i've loved. I hold on to believe that the past happened in preparation for something ultimate that only time can unfold. I have come in peace with myself that my life is not a shame and if it appears intimidating then I have nothing but to feel sorry for the beautiful thing that could have happen.

I’m all for loving and being loved. I’m leaving the need to shop for love behind. Right now, I’m happy going mindlessly driveling over magazine pages, tv shows and the internet. Afterall, faith is mine as hope is to love

Fucking emo right?